Duncan Elliot is a life coach working out of Basingstoke in England. He particularly works with people who feel that there must be more to life and are willing to work at it, so that they can feel happier and more in control of their life. He offers life coaching in person, on the phone or via audio or video across the Internet. Click here to contact him.
Catch the wind in your sails!
If you're in a relationship, I want it to be great for you, whether you're married, co-habiting, have a civil partnership or are going out. If your primary relationship is working well then it will enhance your whole life.
Have a think about your relationship. Do you have a clear idea of where it's going? Do you know what each of you want out of it? Do you know which parts are fantastic, and do you appreciate them? Do you know which parts needs some work and how you're going to move them along? If the answer to any of those is, “No” then I'd love to work with you.
Some of the common areas that could do with improvements include:
Wouldn't it be great if you understood your partner's expectations and values? You'd be able to see why some things that mean little to you are important to them. You'd be able to see ways to make them feel special – or understand why they need to feel special – and to go out and do it. That can make a huge difference to YOUR life!
Wouldn't it be great if you understood your own expectations and values? If you could get those across to your partner in a way that they could understand and respond to? Imagine the difference to your life if you could do that!
Good communication really enhances our relationships. Are you saying what you want to say in a way that your partner can hear it? Humans often say things in the way that they'd like it said to them. Unfortunately your partner may have a very different communication style, so it could be that they're not actually hearing you.
In “The Fiddler on the Roof”, the main character asks his wife if she loves him. Her response? “I've washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned the house, given you children, milked your cow”. She was communicating in one way: he wasn't hearing.
I'd love to work with you on making sure that you're saying things in such a way that your partner can hear it.
One wife asked her husband the same question. “I told you I loved you when I married you,” he replied, “and I'll let you know if anything changes.” He had made another of the big communication mistakes: he was only telling his wife what it was important for HIM to hear.
I'd also love to work with you on communicating to your partner what THEY need to hear.
Nothing in this world stays the same: and neither we nor our partner do. No one spends their life in the giddy rush of first love, any more than their body stays the same as when they first met. So how do we respond to changes?
When Tom first started going out with Angela she was enchanted. “He's so spontaneous,” she gushed. Ten years later life wasn't quite so rosy. “He's so irresponsible!” she complained. Tom hadn't changed: the problem was that Angela had started to see his behaviours very differently. When he diverted to a supermarket to buy her flowers on the way home from work, it no longer melted her heart. Instead, she was annoyed because he was late and frustrated that he'd spent money that she felt they didn't have.
I'd love to work with you on the changes that have come in your relationship. Are the changes good or bad, or is it just the way that you look at them? What can you do to address them or accept them? Do you need to grieve over some of them so that you can move on? We can work on all of those, and other issues related to change.